At the Beginning of this year I thought my year would be prosperous, putting to use all the skills, knowledge, resources and talent that I have to become a more successful person. This was my main goal. Now we are half way through the year and I feel like I have tripped up so many times. My life took a tail spin a few months ago, and I was not myself. I did and said all kinds of things that eventually got me a back to back stay at the Hospital for my Mental Health. Now I am on 3 new prescriptions that are actually working to help reorganize my thoughts and keep them grounded in reality.
What this means is that all the irregularities in my brain that I deal with, from an abusive head trauma I sustained in 2007 from my ex-husband, also known as bipolar disorder, have a way of sorting themselves out by my ingestion of man-made-miracle drugs. Prescriptions have a way of tying one down, at the same time as they restore a sense of freedom. They help to find a “new” or maybe original, you. And it can take years and years and years to fully understand, diagnose, treat, and sustain a person who has my diagnosis.
Bipolar Disorder is a surly bastard of a condition to have, the extreme roller coaster falls into severe depressions can sometimes predispose a physician to think of the Depression Disorder, and these lows can last for a long enough time that it could very well be manifested as such a case. But eventually the gradual upwards climb returns and peaking and hovering inside the condition of Mania is as familiar as being one’s truest self, enlightenment, or higher consciousness. Whatever sense of self one has inside this state-of-mind is paramount to absolute truth. Paranoia, delusions, risky behavior, acting differently, and even multiple personalities, deluded the stratosphere of my inner temples.
There is a strange confidence that encases the whirling of a manic mind. Its strangely familiar and perfectly known. At the arrival of speedy desires, doubt simply crouches away into nothingness and all that is left is supreme needs to manifest everything that may only reside in your mind, into something that is all too real. And when circumstances get really dire, think nothing of it, and keep moving on, its the only way to survive. What is the reality of this situation anyway, can’t I just be like Alice in my own Wonderland?
Why must it be this way?