A Great Many Things

Do You ever wonder how You will do everything on your lists? How You’ll get to all the things You have on Your mind? How You’ll accomplish All of Your Goals? Maybe You wonder, like I do, how You’ll get started, or how You’ll finish them? Maybe, You think that the burden is SOO Overwhelming, it’ll be easier to just sit back, lay down, and dream about doing them, or fantasize about something else entirely? Or, You just tear up the lists, delete the ideas, and move on to something else that is easier? Or, do nothing at all?

Sometimes I think and do these things to; I know I often wonder how I will ever get to all the things I aspire to do. There seems to be so many piling up, one after another, and sometimes I feel like I might just explode. Even though I aspire to accomplish a handful of things every day, I’m not always able, I’m not always successful, and sometimes I’m not capable either.

What If…?

Do You ask your self; What if I fail? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I just can’t do it? What if I succeed? What if People Love what I have created and accomplished? What if My Dreams Really Do Come True? What if I can’t handle it? What if it becomes too much? What if, what if, what if?

“What if” questions can become paralyzing in and of themselves. What if we just stop asking them? (I know, it’s also a what if question.)

Is it easy to stop asking the questions, and to simply focus on the end goals? Yes, and No.

Yes, it can be freeing to stop asking these “What If?” questions; and in the same breath, No, it’s not that easy to break a lifelong habit. I know I have been working on it for some time, but life tends to get in the way, things tend to come up, and my brain goes back to what it knows so well, “What if?”

I Could Just Multitask…

I know that for most of my life multitasking was the way to accomplishment, the way to get all the various things done, but as I have grown and learned more about the concept of multitasking, I have a different opinion now – even though sometimes I still partake in it (I think it’s mostly because I am used to it.)

I used to think that Multitasking was the answer to succeeding in all the things I wanted to accomplish. But it’s Not True! And there are a growing number of articles that speak to how it’s not the Bee’s Knee’s we all though it was; just check out three of them, from Health.com, Time.com, and Forbes.com:

* from Health “12 Reasons to Stop Multitasking Now!” http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20707868,00.html
* from Time “Don’t Multitask: Your Brain Will Thank You” http://business.time.com/2013/04/17/dont-multitask-your-brain-will-thank-you/
* and from Forbes “Why Multitasking Doesn’t Work” http://www.forbes.com/sites/douglasmerrill/2012/08/17/why-multitasking-doesnt-work/

It’s not easy to take on a multitude of tasks all at the same time, it’s not easy to multitask, no matter how well you think you are at doing it. I used to market myself as a great multitasker, because that’s what companies want, am I right? It’s been one of those bullet points that I put on my Resume; Exceptional at Multitasking.

It’s been a struggle for me over the years, not only to break the habit of multitasking, which I still sometimes find myself immersed in, but its a struggle from within myself.

Multitasking is a Struggle for My Brain and My Body

Due to a number of health issues that I have, it has become more and more difficult to get all the things done, especially if I try to multitask them; but even for people without health issues, there is proof that its not easy or productive for them either. No one is safe from the debilitating affects of multitasking.

Have You Tried Juggling?

Sure I’ve been able to juggle many tasks in the past – Or I Thought I was able to. Bouncing from one thing to another while thinking about a few more things that need doing, starting on several and completing some, maybe, or maybe I just keep starting on things and not finishing them. It’s a nasty nasty habit that I have been striving to change for a number of years now.

Focus On Fewer

Instead of starting everything that I want to do, or think that I want to do, or doing the things that other people think I would want to do; I have been keeping track of ideas in my Idea Garden. Focusing on the ones that I am Actually Able to Accomplish, focusing on the tasks that I am Able to complete and follow through with. Focusing on fewer things at a time, and actually finishing them.

It Feels Good to Finish Things

But I still feel the pressure of All the Things, All the To-Do’s, All the Lists, All the Ideas, and the Lack of Resources; Time, Money, Health, Brain Power, Focus, People to help and delegate tasks to.

I have a secret from most people, which I have been doing my best to hide in the shadows, scared that what people will think of me once they know will skew how they think of me, and I am still struggling with how to tell people that I suffer from multiple Disabilities. It’s not easy to see my disabilities, so they have been easy to hide for the most part. And I have judged myself because I never thought; before I needed it; that I would ever be a person to accept Disability help from the government (but I am so glad it is there, because otherwise I would have not had the medical help I have needed over the years.)

I Have Bipolar Disorder

When I am Manic everything seems absolutely possible, and I get a great many, although scattered things done, or half-done, or started; or I Seem to get things done. However when the Mania wanes and the Depression follows I become scared, scared that the Mania took over my life for the time, and then I am under a pile of new things I thought I could accomplish while in the state of mania; I wonder how I will ever accomplish everything I set out to do at the time.

Having Bipolar disorder is a tricky beast, it can seem Soo Amazing to have that energy and feeling great, it even masks over much of my physical pain issues, but it’s completely debilitating at the same time. I’m only one person, and I can only do so much.

Being an Accomplished Person

I want to be able to accomplish it all, I really do, I even have lucid dreams where I get a great deal accomplished, and then I wake up and realize none of it really got done, but I still Feel like I Did All Those Things. Waking up exhausted and in more pain than when I fell asleep. Why does my body and brain treat me this way? I don’t know.

It’s not easy to let people know that I am disabled; that my back is broken and fucked up, that my brain doesn’t function normally, that my mood disorder messes up my life. But through it all I still keep striving to become accomplished in my life; even when those accomplishments are simply being able to get out of bed, shower and get dressed, to simply Take Care of Myself. I’m embarrassed to let people know that I have days when I can’t accomplish anything else.

Other days, Better days, I’m able to do more, get some chores done, make phone calls, deal with stressful situations, write a blog post, do some laundry, drive my car, go see friends, get some groceries, or cook some food. I’m so glad for having days like that, when I am able to walk my dogs, read a book, do some art or photography, go on a date with my Beau, or take care of something obscure that I just haven’t been able to get to lately because of the pain I’ve been suffering.

Lately, I have been having a great deal of difficulty even taking on tasks I used to be able to do no problem. For the last half a year or so I have been in so much pain, emotionally and physically, that my body has been shutting down from how I am feeling. I hate to spend so many days in bed, but I simply can’t do much else than that when I hurt as badly as I have been.

Learning to Prioritize Me

I have learned that taking care of myself is my first duty and goal of every day, and that helps me to feel like I have accomplished something good, even when I can’t do anything else that day. I strive to be my best self, even on my worst days, and I am able to feel a measure of success even when a great many things go undone.

I strive to be my best and healthiest self, as a priority my self care comes first. Taking care of myself allows me to be more capable in the long run, to be more able to do those tasks that went undone the days before. And I am learning to forgive myself for not being the picture of perfection that I thought I ought to be, and I am learning to accept myself just as I am.

The more I accept and love myself, the better my life gets, even on the really bad days, I allow myself to feel successful in what I am capable of. I hope everyone is able to feel successful even on their bad days, I think it would help all of us to feel better about ourselves.

Much Love,
Emily Rose

Comments

  1. Vas

    Emily, it is so encouraging to see you putting yourself first. I send my love and prayers, so you may continue finding the balance that is right for you.

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