The second to last week in February my friend Thea came to visit me.
Hidden deep down within, there was something I needed, but I couldn’t even admit it to myself – which is why I didn’t fully realize what it was, until after everything was said and done.
I knew before Thea even came to visit that I would want to write a blog post about it, I just didn’t have a clue as to my topic. It wasn’t until after the visit was over, and after I read Part One of Thea’s story about her visit to me, and after some amount of days “marination” – that, as I was writing, as I usually do before bed, I had my moment of inspiration; written in my notebook by hand – I am going to copy it (almost) verbatim here:
“I realize that my reasons for wanting Thea to come visit were so different from her reasons to come visit me. Neither right or wrong, just different.
I needed a friend. I needed to know someone cared. Cared enough to want to come and spend time with me. I was feeling so lonely, and estranged from people. Just thinking about those feelings fills me with pain and dread.
But something changed when she asked to come visit; nothing I noticed right away, I honestly didn’t believe she was going to come until I saw her walking towards me in the airport.
I’ve been let down so often recently, by men, by people I thought were my friends, and by new people I thought would be friends but then never responded to my calls or texts. I so badly needed someone outside of my family to show me how much I meant to them. To show me that I mattered.
Because I really didn’t believe that I did. My depression was overshadowing so much of my life, it was getting hard to see where I was going. (This isn’t something I was publicly broadcasting on any social network, it was just eating me up inside, and only my closest friends knew what I was going through). I was getting desperate, but I had so much anxiety over reaching out and asking for someone to spend time with me,because I didn’t dare feel the burn of rejection again. (I just couldn’t handle being rejection again).
And it really meant so much more to me (words just don’t do it justice), how much it meant to hear that she wanted to come visit me.
This girl I only knew over the Internet. We had become close over 2012, part of a weekly accountability group (to help and encourage each other in building and planning our businesses), and we became closer during one-on-one chats that we had. I really began to think of her as one of my closest friends; I didn’t have to meet her to know she meant a great deal to me.
Through Divine intervention she had been online during many of those times that I was in need – scouring the Internet for a friend to talk to, for someone to just listen to me so I wouldn’t feel so alone anymore. And she listened, without an ounce of judgment (something I’ve grown accustomed to from others who call themselves Christian). No matter how bad I was feeling, what I needed to say, or what I told her that I had been through, she was there for me; a support bouie in a sea of anguish.
And when she gave me advice, even if it wasn’t a spot-on scenario-comparing, there was always something that I needed to hear, something that spoke to me and helped lift me out of the gloom I was in. (This is really hard to admit, because I determined a long time ago that I would leave the majority of my personal problems out of the Internet-sphere, because at the time I felt like they didn’t need to bring other people down. Why share my problems publicly, when I saw other people doing it and ended up unfollowing them because it made me more depressed – I didn’t want to make other people depressed like that).
But I knew that Thea was someone I wanted to spend more time with, I wanted to just be around her more, be in her “sphere.” So when, one day, seemingly out of the blue, she just asked me what I thought if she would come to visit me in a few months, I agreed. But I didn’t quite believe it.
I didn’t tell very many people, I didn’t announce it on my social sites, didn’t tell friends or family – only the people who needed to know, knew it was happening. It wasn’t until a few weeks before the proposed-visit that I let more people in on it – when I was making sure my calender was cleared for that week (yes, I had put plans down, because, like I said, I didn’t believe it would happen).
And then I started to feel… something. It was starting to feel real; she had been giving me updates on flight changes, and letting me know when she got her passport renewed, and all the little details involved in flying across the-international-border-between-Canada-and-the-United-States, that made it feel more and more believable each day.
The week before she was to visit, I started to get excited. I made sure my art room was clean so she could stay in there on the air mattress, and made sure everything was clean; did laundry, took care of misc things, and ran errands so I wouldn’t have to the next week. It was really, really starting to feel like it was happening now. Things were in place, the scene was set, now we were just waiting for the main character…
On the Monday she was to arrive, I ran some errands, did some client work I had randomly gotton the week before, and went to the chiropractor. Then I got some soup at Panera (I didn’t have time to go home and make anything), and drove 35 minutes to the airport. I parked and walked in to wait for her. Chatted with another lady to sat next to me, and kept waiting, anxiously.
And then… there she was! walking towards me. and it was real!
My secret hope that there was someone out there who actually wanted to spend time with me, without my asking them to, happened. She braved the stress of passports, customs, air travel (we all know it’s a bitch), and came to visit me; until this moment she was just an Internet friend; and now it was now it was really real!
The shift it made in my life was so small, and yet so huge at the same time. She really put a lot of trust in me, and I in her.”
Read “Returning to the Quiet” by Thea van Deipen
- Returning to the Quiet, part 1
- Returning to the Quiet, part 2
- Returning to the Quiet, part 3
- Returning to the Quiet, part 4
Thea is a Writer/student who majors in psychology and takes German classes for fun. She is a Fantasy enthusiast, and dabbles in nearly everything that catches her interest.