I’ve been looking over my collection of blog post drafts and ideas, and it truly is a collection, I have 57 notes in Evernote devoted to these drafts and ideas. “Why do I have so many?” you ask. Because I’ve been so afraid of revealing my whole self on my blog for so long that they just piled up. Plus I’ve had all these incarnate rules I’ve been fighting against. Upon reading the first draft I posted in Evernote, on 6/28/2012, it says;
“I really want to be more open about all my projects going on in my life and business plans. I want to write about them on the blog, sharing interesting tid-bits and stories about their progress, but every time I think about actually doing it, I feel sick to my stomach with fear that you will judge me and my thought process. And then I think that it doesn’t matter what people think – that’s what so many people keep saying anyway – but laying yourself bare to the world is a scary prospect. How do I start?”
That pretty heavy handed blog post drafting, very deep soul work has been going on since I wrote this. If you look at my most recent posts and the re-design, you’ll see that the space is more zenified, and my posts are truer to who I am. Yes, its still scary, but now I get the goosebumps of excitement too.
For starters, when B. broke up with me I realized there were a lot of things about my life that were catawompus, things like; I had no social life beyond him and his friends, I had no real friends in the area because I had spent all my time with B. and his friends, I had come to rely too much on B. to help me get things done, and I started too many projects that I just couldn’t finish, my blog was being neglected, my business plans felt like they were falling apart, and I was so scared of going out and doing things on my own that my anxiety kept me indoors when I really wanted to go out and have adventures.
Is hella scary to think about! But what I’ve found out, by experiencing the fears, and getting through them, it opens up a world of possibilities. For starters, I was too afraid of going out by myself, I was sure I needed someone with me to go do the fun things I wanted to do. But when I started doing things by myself repeatedly, the scariness lost its grip more and more, until I was having FUN, and going on a date by myself to the ballet!
And then, I decided to break all the rules about my website, blog posts, and let out the crazy :) And my Mom wrote “unlike” on my FB post when I shared it, and in my mind I thought to myself, “That’s okay Mom, you don’t have to like everything I say or do, You just have to love me.” And that moment freed me up even more, the fear melted away even more and I got excited that I don’t have to please anyone; not my Mom, not you, not my family, friends, or strangers. It’s okay to just be myself, and share my thoughts on my blog.
What are you doing today to break free of your fears?