“The relationship may be over, but the feelings don’t go away.” – Clark Kent, Smallville
It’s been 2 1/2 months since my boyfriend broke up with me, I got a lot of wonderful advice from friends and family, read some articles on getting over an ex, and have felt that this has been a major opportunity for me to grow and have learned many things about myself since. It is so helpful to go through your own grieving process, to feel what you feel and learn to accept what it is you’re going through right now.
Its such a shock when someone we love and have spent so much time with is no longer in our lives. When they broke up with you, and moved on with their lives, it can make your own moving forward feel like your feet are mired in mud and your head is turned around. Looking back at the memories can be cathartic, but as long as your stuck in that mud, looking back, you won’t be able to move forward. Its physically impossible to move like that.
You may be thinking that you can’t move forward because you feel broken, like not all the necessary pieces are there. Its true that your heart is broken now, and you’re hurting, and that can bring a haze and fuzziness into your brain-space, keeping you from thinking straight about what to do next. Depending on how emotionally attached you were, or still are, to your ex, it may hurt more or less. But remember this; You need to think about Yourself now. What do You need to heal?
There is a lot of advice out there about how to win an ex back, which all feels rather manipulative. Instead of trying to win them back, or put them back into your life, decide now that YOU ARE ALREADY WHOLE. You don’t need your ex to mend your broken feelings, you are wholly capable of taking care of yourself; you did it before they were in your life, and your going to keep doing it now that they are out of the picture.
Taking Back Your Life
You may realize, now that “they” are not taking up so much of your time, you have all this free time available – what are you going to do with it?
When is the last time you had a girls (or guys) night out with your friends? I bet it was before you met and starting dating your ex. Start by reconnecting with the people you stopped hanging out with. Let the people in your life, your friends and family, know that you need their support right now. They will be glad to support you by talking to you, and giving you hugs, and hanging out with you.
What sorts of hobbies do you love to do? Hobbies that you might have stopped doing because you were devoting so much time to your ex. Pick back up where you left off, or take an adult education class about it, go join a meet-up.com group that does your hobby and make some new friends. Re-focus your loss on something You love to do instead, and fill Your heart with the joy it brings to You.
Cleaning Up Your Space
Now is the time to remove triggers that make you think of “them” – mementos, gifts, anything that might trigger thoughts or emotions. Take this time to put everything that triggers these memories and emotions into a box if they are really important to keep, or into the trash if it was a bad break-up or you just don’t see a reason to keep them. Let yourself heal before looking at them again. Take 2-3 months before even thinking about approaching those items you saved and deciding what to do with them.
After having cleaning the mental and emotional items out of the way, its time to clean your physical space.
Take a look around, when is the last time your home had a good cleaning? Is there dust on tables and ledges? Perhaps some stains in the carpet? Does your kitchen and bathroom need a good mopping? Perhaps sweep off the patio or deck? Clean those papers off your desk? Spend that new free-time you have, cleaning, turn on some pumped-up music, and get to it!
Self-Care Is So Important Now
When we spend so much of our time with someone else, it means less time taking care of our own needs. Now that you are taking back your personal space and your emotional space, take back your body too. Treat it with all the respect that it deserves. Take this time to treat yourself like royalty.
Do you remember that last time you had a long bath? Think about what your favorite thing is for a long bath; bath salts, essential oils or bubbles? Go take one now, take one everyday, even multiply times a day if you need to. Spend time with yourself, take care of getting your nails done, a hair cut, a massage, or a whole spa-day if you can afford it. You deserve to spend time being pampered now.
What To Stay Away From
Now may seem like a good time to go and get drunk, indulge in hours of other types of behaviors like doing drugs, partying, or getting a re-bound, but these are all activities that make healing harder to do. It covers up the pain with negativity instead of letting it heal by bringing in positivity. A negative heart becomes bitter and sour, its filled with hatred and stagnation; but a positive heart is filled with love, joy and forgiveness. Decide now to stay away from the negative and fill your life with the positive.
It’s so important now that you not contact your ex, it will only serve to continue re-opening the wounds of your break up. Its like picking at a scab, it never has time to heal and your left with a bloody wound for a lot longer then if you let it be. Take this time to cut contact, unfriend or block them from your social media outlets, you don’t need to see what they are up to right now, you need to spend time on your own healing. Take their number off your favorites list, delete it if you have to. Remove pictures and text messages from your phone. Archive emails. Remove any and all electronic reminders of your relationship out of view so that you can continue to heal.
What processes have you gone through after a break up to help you heal and grow?